@1970RobD: The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
@nettie0918: My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.
@Douchekevin: The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook.
And in my bed
And on my couch
And in my car
And when I was at work
@MooseAllain: Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing's happened to him, I'm just sad to hear about him.
@FrenulumBreve: PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car...DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
@AJslackie2: *Lexus dealership*
Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment
Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?