The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
my dog when i have a friend over
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”