The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
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🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”