The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
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[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.