The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
what’s really going on