@ChaseMit: The iPad Air is named after what's left in your bank account when you buy one.
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@AimeeHelene1: Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over? *lies on floor, closes eyes tight* (in customer service line at Walmart)
@dafloydsta: [at the gym] ME: Hey, can you spot me? GUY: Sure, which machine? ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
@robfee: House Hunters: We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.
@noog: People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.