I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
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[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket