@ahamedweinberg: The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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@slimmy_shady: Drink this wine, it's the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it's the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, "Now hear me out"
@John_Quaintance: There's no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
@david8hughes: [fakes allergic reaction at dinner] Me: I-I'm- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I'm gonna need you to pay for me
@teeaysmith: Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.