The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
They got a point!
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I would like even faster food.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.