The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, thatās a panicdote.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I donāt carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you āHorseā.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! Itās kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I just saved you $50. Youāre welcome.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we donāt forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldnāt find the ice cream she wanted*
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
This will never not be funny š
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. š
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify ānot breast milk.ā Itās unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctorās note* oh you mean the little cross?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat thatās impossible to change
Baby shark: Iām out
Mommy shark: Iām out
Daddy shark: …Go on
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.