The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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O Wise One….
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
waiting for halloween be like:
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”