@NateKofiStruck: The janitor lady for my apartment building asked me out on a date & said she had some weed. I told her I'm not into high maintenance women.
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@Cyd10e: If every day is a gift, I'd have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day. Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
@ArfMeasures: [being chased around my house by a murderer] ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS MURDERER: What? ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
@LorieGZ: If you cancel your Twitter account it's called Twittercide. If you cancel your Facebook account it's just called Smart.