Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
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[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I’m sorry…what?
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her