@NateKofiStruck: The janitor lady for my apartment building asked me out on a date & said she had some weed. I told her I'm not into high maintenance women.
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@kellyoxford: "The only way I'd go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert" - my 9 yr old daughter
@lonewulf87: Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? Father: It means 'to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.
@markedly: Things Ted Cruz and I have in common: 1. Love butter 2. Shy eyes 3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual 4. Brown hair
@NicCageMatch: Overheard a woman telling another woman "It's $150 and she supplies all the turtles" and whatever it is, I'm in.