The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
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Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Reporter: *ports again*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
And then there were 4
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Milk Cube
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.