The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Pikachu found the lost joint
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?