The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
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I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
You are not alone 💚
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”