Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
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I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you