The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
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Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
i now pronounce you bounced.