i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”