Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
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I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
X-tra spooky blend
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow