the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge