The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
#math
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.