Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
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What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Flowers bee like
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.