The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
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My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.