The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
sensitive skin
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.