Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
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[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!