The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
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KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.