The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I love wikipedia
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
True statement👍😏😁