You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
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My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Quadruple digit IQ
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!