“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
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My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
the only bumper sticker ill allow
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Spa day..😅
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?