The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
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If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
everyone has that one prude friend
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel