“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
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professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Lmfaoooooo
Stop.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
🌱🌱🌱
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.