“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
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If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Why I divorced her.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.