The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free