Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
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i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening