If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
And bowling should be called pinball
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products