billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
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“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
we all know this pain all too well
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
japanese corn
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake