My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
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You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
#JohnTravolta
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
The internet is full of many things
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks