The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?