The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help