@trevso_electric: The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
@batkaren: [5:30AM] BRAIN: I'll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don't wake up. BODY: I'll just clip my head on the door frame.
@FattMernandez: Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
@maughammom: Me: "Want a banana?" 3yo: "Yes, but don't cut it up. And don't peel it. And don't make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle."