The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You Might Also Like
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Breaking news:
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
she has a point
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.