The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You Might Also Like
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
next question.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”