here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Whoa… oh I see lol
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.