The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Siri: Retweet me.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”