The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.