@Willie1derful: The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
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@AmishPornStar1: Cupcakes are for people who don't have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake! Losers.
@pharmasean: DAD: I invented a diaper that's also a time machine! MOM: Where do the poops go DAD: dunno! [CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942] HITLER: omfg
@JohnLyonTweets: [nearing end of first date] Me: I'll give you a call later, OK? Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.