Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
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I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781