me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
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This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Sniffing the broccoli
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
#damn
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Autocorrect completely socks