barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.