The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
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Me to every 2yr old.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Still laughing at this stupid meme