Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
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My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.