I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
You Might Also Like
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try