@EtobicokeErnie: The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.
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@meganamram: When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it's like what am i, your maid
@richardosman: Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
@chuuew: THERAPIST: Your notes say that you "scare easily" and are "quite disagreeable". ME: *from behind the couch* That's not true.
@garthinkingcap: Throughout history they've removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah "Loofifer."