The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
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Saturday
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
getting groceries
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?