@Scorpio1080: The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won't be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
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@Flattliner: People who drive very slowly cause me cognitive dissonance. They deserve to die, but appear less likely to do so...
@qwertying: Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir? Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?
@joeldanger: If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day