The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
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Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.