The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
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I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.