The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
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genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
#CoronaOutbreak
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard